


Gaykysseskrekk

by lauraloves



Category: Bård Ylvisåker - Fandom, Josh Groban (Musician), Vegard Ylvisaker - Fandom, Ylvis
Genre: Awkward Kissing, Blow Jobs, Drinking, Flying, French Kissing, I kveld med Ylvis, M/M, Unicef Special, dream - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-04 18:39:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1789126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lauraloves/pseuds/lauraloves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The IKMY UNICEF special is about to take place, and Vegard has enlisted the help of Josh Groban to exact revenge on his brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gaykysseskrekk

"So, how did you get yourself into this situation?" Josh giggled. His hair curled a bit when he laughed, though of course he didn't know this.

"It's my brother's fault. Bribery. Villainous trickery. Cheating on a bet." Bård's hands were making huge gestures as though he was on stage in a musical, but in truth he was in a smallish room being used as a closed set. He would've been more comfortable with an audience, but the camera would have to serve. "Where the hell is Knut with the replacement boom, anyway?"

"Getting anxious?" Josh teased. "You know we could start without them..." Bård pinned him with a sharp blue-eyed glance. "Whoa!" said Josh, wounded. "We don't actually have to do this. We can back out. I'll back out."

"No!" shouted the fairer man, louder than he intended. "No. I don't back down, especially in the face of charity. All of my brother's lecherous bribes from those women go to UNICEF." He rubbed his eyes. "He's getting me back for...things. Fucking Judas!" Suddenly his frame relaxed. "Sorry. None of this is your fault. I'll try to loosen up."

Just then Knut sheepishly poked his head in. "We're ready boss. Are you set?" Both men answered yes. Just then Vegard's laugh could be heard from down the hallway, and Bård's hackles raised for just a moment. "Ok. Let's get this over."

"Actually” Josh said brightly as the camera was cued to roll. "I'm quite looking forward to this!"

Bård again pierced him with his blue laser stare. "Then shut up and kiss me."

Josh didn’t hold back, slamming into Bård’s lithe frame with an alacrity that left the younger man reeling. Bård yelped involuntarily as Josh’s lips made contact with his own. It tok a few seconds, but finally his brain caught up and he started to process the myriad of sensations: the taste of peppermint, the pressure of a strong hand on the back of his neck and finally the suppressed giggling of the crew watching the spectacle unfold. Bård’s immediate reflex was to pull back and get some space between them, but Josh’s left hand was firmly planted on Bård’s hip, effectively rooting him to the spot. Although the door was now closed and Vegard wasn’t around, the mocking laughter from the hallway rang in Bård’s ears.

 _“_ This is just unnecessary and mean” Bård had exclaimed to his older brother.

“Oh please”, Vegard responded, “If I was trying to be mean to you I’d make you watch gay porn on a carousel”.

Bård didn’t know where this notion that he was so uncomfortable with gay action came from, but when Vegard dangled the bait the fans had bitten. Hard. Sponsorships and donations had flooded in at an unprecedented rate, and so now Bård was being kissed by Josh Groban. Stupid Vegard.

Josh wasn't making it easy for him either, as the left hand started migrating from Bård’s hip towards his ass. Bård realised that the only way to salvage his pride and to diminish his brother’s satisfaction iwas to gain some semblance of control over this surreal situation. His hands, which until then had been lying limp at his sides, moved up into Groban’s soft, corkscrew curls. Simultaneously he shifted himself forward so the two men’s hips made full contact. Josh’s lips parted, as if in shock, and Bård seized the opportunity to gain forceful entry with his tongue.

Although he had met Vegard a few times, this was Josh’s first encounter with the younger Ylvisåker brother. He had to admit the man was beautiful, and as they had started kissing he recalled Vegard’s anecdotes about Bård’s growing collection of gay fan mail. It was all making sense to him now. The other man’s lips were soft and plump, and his features so fine and delicate, it was almost like kissing a woman. Only the lean, hard body and the almost imperceptible stubble on Bård’s upper lip gave any indication to the contrary. Josh had felt assured by Bård’s earlier actions that he would remain stiff and awkward. Then of course the tongue had slipped into mouth and changed everything.

Josh cursed his earlier act of bravado, realising that he had underestimated Bård. The kiss seemed to be taking a wholly unanticipated direction, and the truth dawned on him that perhaps he was enjoying it all a little too much. The fairer man let out a soft moan, causing a feeling of warm arousal to spread through Groban’s abdomen and down to his groin. His eyes shot open at the glorious yet discomfiting sensation, and unfathomable electric blue eyes stared back at him. Bård stubbornly held the penetrative stare, exhaling sharply through his nose. Josh tried to extricate himself slightly, to get a little air into his lungs and dispel the heady sensation, but Bård’s hands were still enmeshed in his hair. Their bodies were so close together, surely Bård can feel Josh’s heart pounding in his chest, the growing bulge between his legs. _Holy fuck._

A distant voice, as if from underwater, yelled “CUT!” Bård released Josh reflexively, taking a few steps back. Josh felt the absence of the lips and warm body keenly, but recovered his composure to theatrically wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. The two men stared back at each other, the flushed features and swollen pink lips mirrored. Josh’s hair was now spiraling in all directions, and Bård’s shirt was creased.

Groban was the first to break the ensuing silence. “May I be excused to, um, use the restroom?” he stammered. He turned to run, colliding with a giggling Vegard on his way out. “Vegard, I’ll have to take a rain check on that drink… important meeting… I’ll call you”.

“Okay sure” Vegard replied, confusion evident on his face.

“It was nice meeting you!” Bård shouted mockingly over Vegard’s shoulder as Josh fled the room. Bård looks Vegard head on and smiled sardonically.

“You should’ve gone with the gay porn carousel”.


	2. "No, Sir..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe the kiss had more of an effect than either let on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't intending on writing this, honestly! However, one of my favourite people in the fandom fell so in love with Bård speaking English in his "Tonight we all wear Golden T Shirts!" speak at Tysnesfest that I just HAD to write a little smut for her based on that video (which can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5hz-KGaDdc&index=5&list=UUKwDTDU-Exjoib-Lpmo3SBQ).

Tears stung Josh's eyes as he ran into the nearest toilet cubicle. He was hot all over, his shirt was damp with sweat and curls plastered to his clammy forehead. He had originally gone to splash some water on his face, but with every passing moment the hot desire had only intensified. Now it felt like all the blood had drained from his brain and been diverted to his groin, robbing him of any logical thought and leaving only the desire for sweet release.

He pulled down his pants and reached for his erection, groaning as he wrapped his hands around the throbbing member. He started with slow pulls, unconsciously licking his lips at the delicious feeling. He could still taste the other man on his lips. The memories flooded his mind, causing him to ramp up the speed and intensity.

In the midst of it all he didn't hear the outer door of the restroom being pushed open. It was only when he heard footsteps that he stopped abruptly, heart hammering in his chest. Still gripping his cock, he reached out with his weaker hand and fumbled clumsily with the lock, to ensure it was secure. However, in doing so he inadvertently twisted the mechanism open with a clatter. The door crashed open, and Josh was suddenly face-to-face with the very man who had put Josh in this situation.

Bård took in the sight before him; Josh, wide-eyed with shock and jeans gathered around his ankles, one hand on his stiff, red cock, tip glistening with precum. The sight was compelling to Bård, stirring feelings he had worked hard to repress when the men had kissed. For an indeterminable amount of time the pair just stared at each other, soft brown eyes meeting ocean blue pools rippling with an undercurrent of desire. Bård never broke eye contact as he stepped into the cubicle and locked the door behind him.

Bård pulled Josh to him to a deep, passionate kiss, and in doing so felt Josh's sizeable hard-on grazing against his thigh. He gripped Josh's hips tightly and rolled against him, causing his own cock to stir. The kiss grew sloppy as Josh fumbled with the fastening of the other man's jeans. He pulled them down with a sharp tug. He took a brief moment to savour the delicious sight of the bulge straining within the tight blue boxer shorts, before pulling the beautiful man back up against him with renewed fervour.

Josh had the strongest urge to slide his hand under the elastic on those boxers, take him in hand and make Bård's pleasure his own, but every time he tried his hand was swatted away. "Not…Yet" Bård breathed hoarsely between kisses, before sliding his hand down to grip Josh's cock tightly. Josh exhaled a breath he didn't know he had been holding as the other man started expertly jerking him off at a frenetic pace.

Josh’s initial frustration at not being able to touch the other man’s soon gave way, as did any coherent or rational thought. He leaned against the wall of the cubicle, for his legs were dangerously close to giving way with the deep pressure building within him. He knew he was close. "Are you going to come for me?" Bård purred in husky, accented English. The words sent Josh into orbit, and a few confident strokes were all that was needed for Josh to spill whimpering into Bård's hand.

Josh was still coming down from the dizzying orgasm when Bård pushed his shoulders, causing him to sink to his knees before Bård's crotch. Finally the fair-haired man pulled down his boxers, snaking his hips seductively as he did so. Josh stared with glassy-eyed reverence, worshipping at the altar of Bård Ylvisåker’s cock. Josh needed no encouragement to grip what he had been coveting. He wasn’t even disarmed by the knowledge that unlike himself, Bård was uncircumcised. He gently pulled down the foreskin and swirled his tongue around the tip, before taking him fully in his mouth. He started slowly at first, but soon fell into a rhythm, encouraged by the sweet moans that he was drawing out of the other man.

Bård seemed to be getting more out of control and he was pulled closer to the brink of orgasm, bucking uncontrollably into the hot depths of Josh’s throat and causing him to gag. Josh gripped the other man’s hips firmly to regain control of the situation as he continued to glide his mouth up and down the shaft. Shuddering breaths from the younger man sent chills down Josh’s spine. Suddenly Bård tensed, and let out a high-pitched keen before he exploded into Josh’s mouth. Josh was not prepared, swallowing half and spluttering slightly as he released Bård from his grip and reached for a hand towel.

Josh watched as the other man struggled to catch his breath and regain his composure. They pulled up their pants and cleaned as best as they could. It was at this moment they looked at each other awkwardly. Josh leaned in for kiss, one that wasn’t shaded with lust, but Bård stepped back and delivered a devastating smile.

“No sir, I’m married”. He answered with a wink, before unlocking the door behind him and leaving Josh staring wide-eyed in the cubicle.


	3. Flight risk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay, so I kiss your brother… what do I get in return?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, my very first multi-chapter story! Even if you are not a fan of Grogard porn, I like to think there's something* here for everyone. 
> 
> *By 'something' I mean good old-fashioned BJ smut. Enjoy!
> 
> By the way I fully intend on writing some pure Ylvis fandom smut soon, but for now enjoy the final chapter of my Ylvis/Josh Groban pornfest!

“Okay, so I kiss your brother… which by the way, buddy, is the weirdest favour anyone has ever asked me to do… what do I get in return?” Josh reclined slightly in the bar stool, peeling at the corner of the beer bottle as he spoke.

Vegard had his answer ready. He’d seen Josh’s twitter page, and knew that he could offer him something worth his while. “A private flying lesson” He replied levelly. “I’ll arrange for a private aircraft and together with me you can practise flying just outside Oslo”. Little more needed to be said. Josh’s face lit up at the offer. They shook hands and the deal was sealed.

After the UNICEF show Vegard was surprised that Josh didn’t immediately call-in his favour, but eventually Josh got in touch. Vegard was a little hesitant at first, but when it turned out the weekend of Josh’s proposed visit coincided with his wife and children leaving town to visit the in-laws, he welcomed the prospect of company.

Vegard had ended up enjoying himself more than he expected to during the flying lesson. He loved being up in the air, and the experience was even greater when shared with someone equally enthusiastic about all things to do with aviation. He couldn’t helped thinking of all those times flying across Norway with his brother Bård, whose sole mission on those flights seemed to be antagonising his older brother and/or feigning complete indifference. If Bård flew with the attitude and mannerisms of an apathetic feline, Josh was like an excitable puppy, incessantly asking questions and expressing an interest in everything around him. Sure, Josh was a little too enthusiastic at times, but he was funny and interesting, and by the time they left the small private airport the two men were chattering away like old pals.

Josh had planned to check into a hotel that evening. However, Vegard, sinking a little at the prospect of going back to his apartment alone, invited the other man back to stay. An offer Josh graciously accepted.

“Again, thank you so much for letting me stay…” Josh said, pulling a sleek bottle of amber liquid out of his suitcase and placing it on the table. Vegard studied the label, squinting to decipher the unfamiliar language written on it.

“Whiskey from the Penderyn distillery, in Wales”. Josh interjected. “A gift from one of my Welsh fans. Very exuberant young woman”. He added, dimpling. “Care to try some?”

“I’m not a big drinker…” Vegard replied, as Josh ignored him and poured a generous amount neat into two crystal tumblers regardless.

“Hey, is your brother joining us tonight?” Josh asked, almost tentatively. Vegard swore that he saw a blush across Josh’s cheeks.

“No, why?” Vegard asked, puzzled.

“Oh, no reason” Josh replied, a little too breezily. Vegard thought he saw a trace of almost imperceptible disappointment flitter across the other man’s face, but if so he recovered his composure quickly and forced a bright smile.

Vegard shrugged and took a meek sip of the strong spirit. The two men settled into easy chatter. They shared anecdotes about music, performing live and crazy fans. Vegard sipped the whisky as they spoke, and found it was starting to go down smooth. Vegard realised it was late when his eyelids felt heavy and it was an effort keeping his head up. Josh had reclined completely in the easy chair, long eyelashes spread across his cheeks. Vegard smiled as he watched his companion snooze gently, but shook himself out of his reverie when he realised it wouldn’t be good for Josh to sleep in that awkward position. Vegard nudged Josh awake, wordlessly gestured in the direction of the guest room and made his way to this own room. It wasn’t Vegard’s custom to drink, and the world spun around him as he stumbled to his bed. No sooner had he yanked off his jeans and t-shirt when he collapsed onto the mattress and fell into a deep slumber.

The first thing Vegard was aware of was the weight as the mattress sank slightly to his right, then the heat as a warm body moved beside him. _Helene._ He thought groggily, eyes clamped shut in the fog of slumber as he reached out to instinctively pull the body closer to his bare chest. Even in his confused, inebriated state he began to sense that the body was too warm and too heavy. His hands reached upwards and entangled in soft curls, whilst the other met resistance with a broad, flat chest covered in downy soft curls.

Before his mind and body could process these sensations he felt wet, eager lips on his own. His exclamation was stifled as he found he was responding to the urgent kiss, opening his mouth and offering answering caresses of his tongue. He pushed against the weight of the figure, but he felt weightless and his efforts were ineffectual. The breath hitched in his throat as the kiss deepened, rough fingers travelling up Vegard’s jaw and settling in his own curly hair.

The figure pushed against Vegard until he rolled onto his back. The kiss was finally broken and the weighty feeling intensified as the figure climbed on top of Vegard and straddled him. Rough hands grabbed Vegard’s wrists and pinned them in place on his pillow. All his defences melted at the firm, restricting touch and his body relaxed into a soft belly up pose. Vegard was still in a foggy daze, but he could make out the silhouette of his house guest against the pale blue moonlight. Josh's lips were soft and he thought of his wife and how much he missed her and the kiss was sweet with notes of honey and resin. These thoughts ran through his mind in an incomprehensible stream of nonsense and his body responded to the pressure, the tastes and the sensations.

Vegard’s eyes rolled in his head as the kisses migrated along his jaw, down his neck and over his chest. He had a moment of panic and tried to arch his back in resistance but he realised he couldn’t fight it. He realised he didn’t want to fight it. He heard deep groans that resonated in him with a deep timbre, but in the haze of half-consciousness he couldn’t tell if they were coming from him or Josh. The delicious kisses had travelled to his navel, and he felt the warm pull, the unstoppable rise as he realised where those kisses were heading.

Then he thought of nothing more as the weight shifted and he somehow wriggled his way out of his boxer shorts. Nothing more until the hot, wet feeling of the mouth on his now fully-erect cock. The heat enveloped him entirely and the sensation of the tongue swirling the length of his dick was incredible. He bit his lip and intertwined his hands into the mass of soft curls and pushed Josh’s head until he swallowed Vegard whole. He experienced a visceral sensation as the hungry, wet mouth closed tight around his cock; a spasmodic waxing and waning as the other man bobbed up and down.

Josh hummed, and the vibrations reverberated through to Vegard’s core. The hotness pulsed through his veins and gave rise to the familiar tingle of a building orgasm. His hips bucked involuntarily as he vied for release. He felt the tip hit the back of the other man’s throat, causing him to gag and splutter. Vegard’s arousal peaked and he moaned wordlessly as hot cum spurted from his throbbing cock.

He woke with a gasp, glistening with sweat and heart hammering in his chest but alone in his bedroom. He reached down to find the front of his boxers damp and sticky to the touch, but still on. Still unsure of whether he had imagined it, he pulled his heavy body out of bed. He threw the hugely moist shorts into the hamper, wrapped himself firmly in a white bathrobe and padded down the corridor to fetch some cool water from the kitchen. He lingered at the door of the guest bedroom, and smiled with relief as he heard the soft snoring coming from within. He chugged down some cool water and settled back under his bedsheets. He had one last thought before he once again drifted into unconsciousness.

_Next time, Josh can stay with Bård_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and I welcome any constructive criticism/praise/flowers/smut. I will also do prompts and stuff.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the lovely Kjimmy for developing the concept for this fic and writing the opening dialogue. It's fun to write porn with friends.


End file.
